THE WALRUS WAS FRED

For my next selection, I’m going to play Grieg’s Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16. It’s a lovely piece, and one of Grieg’s only…oh shit, I just crapped my pants. Hogan!

Fred Emney, Fred Emney LP

MAN, I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE IN THE SUGARCUBES

“Mama’s got a squeezebox she wears on her chest…” Who says there’s nothing good on the Lollapalooza secondary stage? You shoulda heard ‘em rip up “Jane Says.”

Elna Fredhoy and Rigmor Odum, Sjunger Egna Sanger

IF THIS WERE REALLY HELL, THERE'D BE A BALDWIN BROTHER

“Oh, Diablos!” is a crazy new comedy caper from ABC this Fall. Starring Gary Busey as the Devil, Jon Cryer as Charon the Ferryman, and Dashboard Confessional as Hell’s own in-house band (you try listening to ‘em for 3 millennia straight). ABC - We’re puttin’ the “fun” back in Eternal Damnation!

Los Diablos, Oh! Diablos LP

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

Sure, sure, you may think that's one fucking hot ass cover, and you might even make some crack about how all girls look good in that position. Until her head does a 180 and she starts doing that fucked up hermit crab down the staircase thing Linda Blair did in The Exorcist. 'Cuz this little senorita is only one spine crack and a couple wrist dislocations away from spewing green puke on your new Air Yeezies. On a related note, the Porta-Potty wasn't invented until the 1960s, so if you were caught on a beach doing the Limbo in the 1950's and nature called, you'd need a pair of bathing suit trunks baggy enough to handle whatever you had to give 'em. So - is that an expression of ecstasy on her face, or relief?

YOU BETTER RUN, YOU BETTER HIDE, WE GOTTA KEEP YOU OUT OF SIGHT

Ol' Muttonchops McGee here had a pretty boring cover. That is until Sigmund the Sea Monster took a dump on it halfway to the printshop. Too late to start over, and too lazy to clean it off, they ran with it anyway. And hey, isn't "Dick Domane" a gay porn site?

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! AND LON CHANEY TOO!

Great, so now Dracula’s gay and into ballroom dancing? What’s next? One of the X-Men playing Peter Allen on Broadway? What? Oh shit…

BOB BARKER DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT

Sure, I know you think this LOOKS hot and all, but lemme tell ya, she goes through litter like nobody's business. And after the third or fourth time she pisses on your polo shirts, you'll be taking her back to the SPCA faster than you can say "spayed and neutered." Granted, she IS great and catching mice and high school sophomores.

FUN FACT! For all you subliminal advertising buffs, look closely at her spots and you can clearly make out the word "CONOUCONOJO."

ADRIAN BRODY'S HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK PHOTO

Sweet baby Jesus. Holy shit. I swear to Christ, I'll never drink again.

THE CARPET DOES MATCH THE DRAPES, BUT IT'S A STRAW RUG

Count on the Germans to get a little freaky with their cheesecake covers. This one claims to be a “party,” but for some reason, they’ve got the nude girl in pigtails standing next to a kiddie ride, so that’s kinda skeezy right there. I mean, at first I thought this might be a hot girl from a late-night Berlin sex club, now I’m wondering if she’s not just some lost soul at Chuck E. Cheese. Oddly enough, the album title, “Husch Husch Ins Heu” roughly translated into English, means “I’m Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC.”

RELAX? EASY FOR YOU TO SAY...

No, no, officer. You don't understand. I just told her to stay here and relax. And the next thing you know...

ACID REFLEX

Does this bother you? Am I buggin' you? I'm not touching you. Not touching you...

NOT TO MENTION WENDY'S MARKETING DEPARTMENT IS SUING

I don’t know if this model was okay with being called “big fat juicy fun,” or with having the two stuffed animals covering her cootch be a pig and an elephant respectively. But a paycheck’s a paycheck, I guess. So tasteless, even Rudy Ray Moore was heard to say “Now that ain’t right.”

WELL THEN RUDY, I HOPE YOU KEPT YOUR RECEIPT

Another artistic triumph from the subtle genius of Rudy Ray Moore, whose previous Shakespearean innuendos included the likes of “Let’s Come Together,” “Cracking Nuts” and the immortal “Aunt Eater.” This one would have you believe it’s about pussy cats, because there are two of 'em on the cover. Don’t believe it for a second. It’s really about vagina. Damn you Rudy Ray, fooled me again!

NOT SO NEW WAVE

Mom, the guys from my Chem Lab are coming over in a half hour, could you, like, put on a shirt or something? And for once could you PLEASE not tell that story about how you banged the bassist from Winger?

IN THAT CASE, I'LL JOIN SANTANA

They're right. Those bongos sure are...er, fascinating. Although she looks none too happy we're taking up a sudden interest in percussion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a 20-minute drum solo to perform. Move over, Ginger Baker!