THIS WAS THE SIXTIES, SO THAT WOULD BE A SHAG RUG ACTUALLY

So I guess that's one way of saying she's not a true blonde, right? It's that carpet/drapes thing again. Sneaky.

ALL WE COULD AFFORD WAS GEOFFREY HOLDER

Sure, it may seem excessive to us, but when your country doesn't spend all its money on the military, you can splurge a bit more on the little things. So while the American 7-Up ad campaign in the 70's was pretty much Geoffrey Holder and a bunch of "cola nuts," the Asian market flourished with ads that looked like Rockettes on acid. Here we got seven slinky Asian babes dancing in front of giant phallic 7-Up bottles near a reflecting pool with giant neon product logos and infinite track lighting sapping up an electricity cost that was probably greater than the Gross National Product for Singapore and Malaysia combined. But what the hey, 7-Up's good shit, right? So spare no expense, tiny Far East nation! This is probably the same country that turned down Cirque du Soleil for being too stripped-down.

SHE MAY NOT BE GOOD, BUT SHE'S PLENTY

This album dates from 1968. So now you know how old Paul Weller and that chick from Four Non Blondes really are. Back then they were known as Good and Plenty, with her playing the part of Plenty, which means she musta been really popular back in high school. The music, by the way, is pretty tame folk pop, not nearly as mindblowing as the Electric Company on acid album cover, proving once again that drugs often make you think you're something you're not. Just ask Jim Morrison.

DOUGLAS GOOD AND GINNY PLENTY, THE WORLD OF GOOD AND PLENTY, US Senate LP 1968

SO WHAT CUT OF STEAK GOES BEST WITH A WEAK DOO-WOP TRIBUTE?

Let's be honest here. The cover of Attila's 1970 LP would suck even if a young snappy-mulleted Billy Joel weren't on it. Two guys dressed in outfits that would get 'em kicked out of anything but a Renaissance Faire, standing in the middle of a meat locker? No, no, guys, when I said Attila the Hun was a butcher, I didn't mean that was his job title. But when you finally realize that really IS a young snappy-mulleted pre-"Uptown Girl" Billy Joel standing there in an outfit even Jethro Tull would be embarrassed to wear, well, that just makes this cover HILARIOUS, doesn't it?

Truth is, the clues to Billy's meat-loving tendencies were always there in his later songs, if you knew where to look. Songs like "Hungry Young Man" and "New Pork Steak of Mind" from Turnstiles, "Vienna Sausage" from The Stranger, and of course, the famous line, "There's an old man standing next to meat" from his classic "Piano Man." But as for why he chose to emulate a ferocious and bloodthirsty emperor who devastated much of Asia and East Europe, that's still a mystery. Maybe he felt a connection, or maybe even a reincarnation. After all, if Attila destroyed much of Asia with swords and clubs in the 5th Century, Billy could take out most of Long Island in the 21st Century with just his car.

LOOK WHAT IT DID TO THEIR BODIES

Party-pooping religious nuts, led by "Slammin'" Sammy Hall, pull no punches in letting you damned meddling kids know exactly "what it's all about" when it comes to sin. A spoonful of coke, a syringe of heroin, a dimebag of weed, a handful of pills, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a love of board games - THESE are the very WORST of sins imaginable! And if you should stray from the Lord's path far enough to dabble in any one of these (like, say, getting high before a Stryper concert, or playing Risk after midnight), the four disembodied heads of the Sammy Hall Singers will come swooping down on your ass like Pauly Shore descending on a virgin at the Playboy Mansion. Apparently, most of these sins can be found on a card table floating somewhere between the Earth and the Moon, which might help explain why most of the astronauts we've sent up to space come back singing the praises of the Dave Matthews Band. It's also kinda funny that, despite their prudish still life portrait, they had to censor the Jack Daniels label. That's because the Sammy Hall Singers were from Tennessee, and NOBODY, not even the religious right, disses Jack Daniels in Tennessee. Jack's got his own religion down there.

THE SAMMY HALL SINGERS, WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT LP, 1972

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WHISTLE AT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

So this is what they mean by "steel guitar"? I like how she remembers to wear safety gloves, but as for the rest of her outfit - well, let's just say it flunks most OSHA requirements. Still, dressed like that, I bet she'd have no problem getting a job building the next Trump casino.

ENOCH LIGHT PRESENTS, "TONY MOTTOLA'S GUITAR FACTORY" LP

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE STUFF THAS HASN'T GROWN ON THEIR BALLS YET

You're kidding me, right? I know you boys all like Kiss, and you've been members of the fucking Kiss Army since 1976, but you can't all be Peter Criss. And I mean, I ain't sayin' Kiss was Satanic or anything, but to an eight-year-old, all that blood pouring out of Gene Simmons' mouth can be a little bit scary. On the other hand, who the hell is this guy gonna scare?

And ignoring for a second the fact that the cover artist completely fucked up this dude's left arm, does anyone else get the feeling that this guy'd rather be singing Judy Garland tunes than old 70's glam pop?

I mean, the ratio of Satanic songs ("Sorcery") to songs of questionable sexual orientation ("Love Me The Way I Am", "Let's Get Funky", "River Queen" and "Goin' Down (the Road)") is an uncomfortable 1:4 ratio there, boys. It's like someone took Kiss, zapped 'em with an Infant-O-Ray, and forced 'em to watch the Food Network for six months. C'mon, kids, that's not what "Lick It Up" was about.

FURR, FURR, 1977 LP