HOLY DIVER (WITH 1300 HIT POINTS AND A MAGIC SCEPTER)

Ever wonder what Ronnie James Dio was doing before he became Black Sabbath’s resident banshee and purveyor of the mighty heavy metal devil horn hand gesture? Why, he was masquerading as an impish little woodland sprite and hopping around papier mache forests while trying not to get mistaken for the lead singer from Jethro Tull. Wonder why Elf never became heavy metal gods like Rainbow, Black Sabbath and Dio? The same reason bands like Fairy, Water Sprite and Unikkorn (with an umlaut over the “o”) didn’t. Quick, Ronnie, use the boots of escaping!

BILLY THE KIBBITZ

That’s the way…what? We create a phallic symbol where THERE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ONE??? If happiness is a warm gun, then how come she don’t look none too happy? Should be fuckin' ecstatic, if you ask me. Bonus points for most creative use of a holster. And if you were lucky enough to be trudging through the Jerusalem Sam Goody budget bins back in 1977, you'll notice this album features David Bowie's "Space Oddity" alongside Morris Alpert's puke-classic "Feelings" and a handful of genuine Yiddish folk songs. That's gotta be a first too, right?

BURNIN' RUBBER

Jerry’s a leather-clad accountant who drives the latest high-tech BMW motorbike with more headlights than a school bus, while Lola rides bareback above the front tire. The Department of Highway Safety cited one of them for reckless driving. The other one blew the DMV director. Hey, at least she remembered to wear a helmet. Shown here protecting her brain.

HEY BABY, HERE'S A DOLLAR. WELL WHADDYA KNOW, THAT IS MY FACE ON IT!

I like the cover art, don’t get me wrong, but I gotta wonder just what exactly is going on here. Let’s see, there’s a really toned stripper gyrating on the American flag while Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower look on. How did YOU celebrate the Fourth of July this year?

HEY, I CAN TELL THOSE CHICKEN BREASTS ARE FAKE!

First of all, it ain’t a rooster. And it’s not atomic. There are also three O’s in “Rooster.” And oh yeah, I almost forgot…uh…the bird’s got TITS!!!! What the hell, man? Is this the work of a talented artist creating a controversial and ambiguous work of art? Or just someone who’d rather be fucking a parrot?

HEAVY METAL DE-CON!

Step Into the Uncertain, no shit. The only thing that is certain in Adrian’s world is that his artist had no formal training whatsoever. Hurry up, Adrian! Collect those ottomans from the giant spider squid so we can create another fancy metallic logo for you that no one can fucking read! Power up, You Level 6 Paladin Heavy Metal Rocker Dude You! Use those boots of escaping! And don’t forget to clean up before Mommy gets home.

NICE CAMEL HUMP

Okay, whose idea was it to put HIM up FRONT?