SHE'S PRETTY, BUT SHE CAN DO YOUR JOB AT HALF THE SALARY

A little throwback today, to a time when kitchen appliances came in Avocado, “space age” meant having FM radio in your Studebaker, and martians were thought to be hot little pinheaded girls with dots on their forehead. Today, of course, we’d just call her Norah Jones.

SEARS PORTRAIT OF A KILLER

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, look at little Timmy there, just having the time of his life playing with the old bean bags! That’s all you need really, in life, for a good time. Just give me a sunny day, a wide-open field, a glazed-over Downs Syndrome look on my face, and two bright sunny yellow bean bags of FUN FUN FUN! Little Timmy can’t get enough of ‘em! No, Timmy! That’s not a bean bag! Let go of that right NOW! Oh God, I’m SO sorry, Grandpa. Oh Jesus, someone call the ambulance! I told you this would happen if you didn’t put pants on!

BURT REYNOLDS IS LAUGHING AT HER

She's got the seal of approval from ANITA BRYANT! She's shown pictured on the back shaking hands with PRESIDENT LYNDON JOHNSON! She's been on the cover of CHRISTIAN LIFE magazine and mentioned somewhere in the bowels of SEVENTEEN magazine! She spreads the word of God and wears pancake make-up thicker than one of Gabouret Sidibey's thighs. So why do I STILL get the impression that her hair is gonna fly off the top of her head one night and suck the blood from my throat while I'm sleeping? Maybe it's just me.

MAYBE SHE'S TAKING A BATSHIT.

Holy Spanish Fly, Batman, it’s a dumpy woman’s ass! Either Senor Batman here is giving us a sly little wink, or a piece of cellulite just broke off and hit him in the eye. Quick, Robin, the BatNeedle! Jab it into my eyes NOW!

THE HEAVY MAN SAYS "HEAVY, MAN."

If, by your album title, you mean a retina-searing acid flashback of Oprah Winfrey dressed like that Indian from the Village People, then yes, Barry, I guess this IS what I “wont”. So was it YOU then in Repo Man’s trunk?

BABY GOT BACH

Hey baby, nice Ludwigs! Mind if I take a look at yer Vivaldi?

FLOPSY TAKES A FALL ON THE SET OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Look, just put the dog down, Mr. Bixby. And just back away. I know you're upset with Mr. Ferrigno, and we all know how difficult he can be to work with. But just let the dog breathe, okay Bill? Everybody just calm down!