YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM SING "HANG ON PFLOOPY"

I don’t know why Chad never caught on with the ladies the way the Beatles or Herman’s Hermits did. Maybe it’s the bad wig. Or the skinny tie. Or the way he holds his guitar. Chad was from England. Or is that already obvious?

IF HIPGNOSIS WERE RUN BY SIX-YEAR-OLDS

– No, I can’t say I was expecting good taste from a band called Cattle Decapitation and an album called Humanure, but still, this loose (bowel) take on Pink Floyd’s Atom Heart Mother is some fucked up shit, literally. But there’s been a movie called Monsturd (seriously, IMDB that shit), and plush Mr. Hanky dolls litter the bargain bins of Hot Topic. And need I even mention “two girls and a cup?” So yeah, shit does sell. But take it from me, would-be metalheads, if you really wanna make your mark in the land of shock rock, how about starting with a logo that people can actually fucking read? This band might be called Cattle Decapitation. But they could also be Gaitleck Pecafilafiopt. Or Gallet Recapacitator. Or Detlef Schrempf. Personally, I would’ve picked a name that better fits with the whole concept of shit. Like the Small Feces. Or Dungen. Or John Mayer.

GOOD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH, BRADY STYLE

I’ll resist the obvious “nice melons” joke here, and just say that if the sight of Walter Matthau hitting on Maureen McCormick doesn’t immediately make you lose your last meal, then you probably won’t even be phased by the album cover I’ll be posting next time. She looks sweet though, and he looks like he smells like cod and piss and the remnants of the last seven meals lurking somewhere in that mustache, so yeah, it's a bit of a mismatch. Over in these parts, we call it "statutory rape."

THERE ARE STAINS ON THAT CHAIR IN COLORS I'VE NEVER SEEN

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that the three-armed, paunch-battling Calypso Gene probably smells like some unholy combination of patchouli, fried chicken and weed in real life? As a matter of fact, the actual album cover itself has a foul sweat-and-baby-oil-on-leather smell, to be perfectly honest. On the plus side, that’s the kind of bitchin’ ass chair you could slap an “Eames” reference on and get a couple grand for on Ebay.

SO LITTLE TIME, SO MANY NOTES TO BEND

Well Sweet Baby Jesus, Mildred! If you think you can jam on “Old Rugged Cross” with a simple Fender, you’ve got another thing coming. That’s why I use my custom-made Gibson twin-neck EDS-1275, the same one Jimmy Page used on “The Song Remains the Same” and “Stairway to Heaven,” bless his soul. So yeah, you can go fuck yourself.