TIME TO DIE, MASTER

Poor Barbara Eden could never get any decent roles after the cancellation of "I Dream of Jeannie" in 1970. Sadly, this was something she did not handle well.

MONTEAUX VIENNA PHILHARMONIC, BERLIOZ SYMPHONIE FANTASTIQUE, RCA VICTOR LP

UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP, CASE #38

Just what do they think they're censoring here on the cover of this Buy It With A Six Pack of Rolling Rock At Your Favorite Interstate Truck Stop special? I mean, the chick's got a skirt on for Christ's sake! If something really is hanging out and needs to be censored by the not-exactly-flattering label CONVOY, then maybe our little truck bed beauty needs to stop riding stick shift for a few months, or at least start using a razor. Which means that last song, "Gimme Forty Acres," might've been written for her. This was the Seventies, after all. And let's be honest, she does look like she's seen her share of Kenworths. Still, she keeps a special place in her heart and under her skirt for "Big Dave" who rides in front, while his "Tennessee Tailgaters" take their place, naturally, around back. Now that's a real Mack daddy. And by the way, what the fuck did this album do to get a "Stereo Gold Award"?

BIG DAVE AND HIS TENNESSEE TAILGATERS, HITS FOR A TRUCK DRIVING MAN (INCLUDING CONVOY)

I AM FOR YOU, JAMES T. KIRK

Maybe it's just me, but the way they've overlaid the photo of the blonde with the seascape/mountain background, kinda makes the girl look like all freaky and shit. I mean, I'm sure without Mauna Kea over her face, she's probably pretty hot, in that Susan George meets Suzanne Somers kinda way. But here, she looks more like the Salt Vampire from Star Trek. "Mr. Furley, come on in. I was just cleaning the house in my see-through nightie." "Say, Chrissie, I think you missed a spot under the couch. Hey, why are you touching my face like that? Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh!"

ALAN HAVEN, IMAGES, UK PHILIPS LABEL

WELL, IF ADRIANA LIMA CAN STILL BE A VIRGIN...

She's a dream girl, alright. Wears color-coordinated pastel picnic gear and smiles over her shoulder at you while the fun couple are headed off into the forest for some heavy-duty down-and-dirty clover-rollin', which they'll probably put clips of on Youtube the very next morning. But you, you can always say you had some downright tasty ham and cheese sandwiches with your little pink lady while discussing the finer points of birdwatching. Yeah right, some fucking dream girl this one turned out to be.

RAY ANTHONY AND HIS ORCHESTRA, THE DREAM GIRL, 1950S CAPITOL LP

ROBERT GOULET'S WET DREAM

Just who does this "Verrill Keene" think he is, anyway? Sure, he may look like a budget-bin Robert Goulet, and that sure is one fancy ass gold fuck chain hanging around his groovy black turtleneck like he's some swinging bachelor pad white boy predecessor to Flavor Flav. But even so, does that mean he's good enough to snag not one but TWO smokin' hot 60's go-go girls who can't between 'em figure out how to keep their shirts buttoned? Right, I didn't think so. But there he is, smiling like Oprah Winfrey at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and what's even worse - if that cover is supposed to imply that the three of 'em just got done with a hot sweaty bout of psychedelic lovemaking on that vintage Spanish Modern bedspread (probably selling for hundreds of dollars right now on Ebay - search "retro" and "Eames"), then shouldn't virile Verrill be shirtless or, at the very least, necklace-less? Unless, of course, that means he's missing another article of clothing. And then we need to thank the art director for cropping the photo where he did.

VERILL KEENE, AN AFTERNOON AFFAIR, SHOWTOWN LABEL LP

SHE'S HER OWN WINGMAN

Like a still from some freakish 80's Indonesian horror film, this album cover's sending some seriously mixed messages. There's that hot as fuck Latina dancer who's really getting INTO her cha-cha, hair wildly flailing around, in some sort of oddly sexy semi stooping pose on the right, like she's just about to give you a glass bottom boat or something. I like how the costume they made her wear is obviously smaller than the bathing suit she regularly tans with, which explains why a) she's got thsoe sexy tan lines on her upper thighs on the right, and b) she appears to be readjusting something on the left. But don't get too attracted to Senorita CamelToe, because all of a sudden her GIANT DISEMBODIED HEAD comes SWOOPING down out of the sky behind her like a giant buzz kill and stares you down until you finally get the hit and go hit on another desperate housewife at the other end of the martini bar. If this were Indonesian cinema, she'd have a spinal cord and her entrails hanging down below her head. Damn, why is evil always so beautiful?

TINO LA TINO AND HIS ORCHESTRA, CHA CHA CHA LP, CROWN LABEL

DON'T TELL ME HOWARD STERN'S MOVING TO PBS!

Today's show is brought to you by the Number 6. Okay, great, now get out of the way, 6. Go on, BEAT IT!

Alright, so if 6 ain't leaving, can we at least get another hot topless girl in here with a number "9"? Bababooey!

DAN HILL, SOUNDS ELECTRONIC 6 LP, UK RPM LABEL

IF I HAD YOU...

...I wouldn't have to drink Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid through a straw.

Special thanks to Kari Wuhrer's mom, whose cleavage makes this cover.

BERT KAEMPFERT AND HIS ORCHESTRA, IF I HAD YOU, UK CONTOUR LP

LIKE THAT GUY FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - DARRYL TROMBONE

First of all, that ain't a Hammond. A Hammond is a type of organ. Which makes this particular cover photo really, really stupid. 15 Great Classics, Hammond Style indeed. Sorta like having an album called Guitar Rock and putting a photo of a glockenspiel on the cover. Wouldn't surprise me if there were only 14 songs inside either. So yeah, even though the ditzy blonde is plugging her ears in response to the giant non-Hammond trombone about to bear down on her, it sure beats what the photogapher originally had planned: dropping an electric organ on her head.

DANNY HODGSON AND THE PETE SMITH BIG BAND, 15 GREAT CLASSICS HAMMOND STYLE, UK CONTOUR LP

HERE'S WHO YOU GOTTA BLOW TO GET AHEAD 'ROUND HERE

We here at K-Mart...sorry, the "Big K"...are proud to have a dedicated workforce of talented and self-motivated employees who we continually motivate to seek higher levels of training and performance. Our managers and store owners of today were our cashiers and stockboys of yesterday, and that's because we promote from within. The levels of achievement are endless, and if you have the right stuff, you can rise through the ranks in no time. Oh yeah, and I should also mention that all roads to promotion go through Mrs. Pasquale, Assistant Manager of Housewares and Auto Parts. But you should have no problem. You look like you work out. She'll like you.

DON'T EVEN ASK WHERE SHE KEEPS THE BULLETS

One word: Gunt.

CRISIS, ARMED TO THE TEETH, 1984 BULLET RECORDS

YOU'VE HEARD OF THE IRON CHEF? WELL, MEET THE POLYESTER CHEF.

And you wonder why we make fun of the French. So Don Knotts here can flip a crepe up in the air in his swinging bachelor pad, big fucking whoop. But it is for the one chubster who's so enthralled by this act, she's actually gasping in amazement! Who invited her to the Crepe Fest anyway? I mean, look at the three juicy cougars that Chef Poofty somehow got into his finished basement, and then ask yourself how she crashed the party. My bet is she's not actually amazed; she's just hungry, and she's wiping the drool from her chin knowing that she's the one who's gonna be downing 90 percent of that airborne crepe anyway. While Don Knotts and Charlie's Single Mom Angels are gonna be off putting other things in the oven, so to speak. Viva Les Crepes!

WELL, AT LEAST HER NOSE DIDN'T BURN

She may be irresistible, but Damita Jo certainly ain't the sharpest Ginsu in the infomercial, that's for sure. When she said she was going to the beach, they told her to make sure she wore a hat. Turns out the entire USC Trojans football team was also at the beach that day, on Spring Break. They found Damita Jo irresistible too.

DAMITO JO, THE IRRESISTIBLE DAMITA JO, 1968

IT'S REALLY "THE BEST OF QUIET RIOT"

Right. For those who can't quite afford an actual Slade album. It's a budget label approximation of the Slade sound performed by actual homeless people that brings new meaning to the term "unnecessary." Only outdone by the next year's forgotten Sounds Like David Geddes (performed by The Crack Whores).

THIS WAS THE SIXTIES, SO THAT WOULD BE A SHAG RUG ACTUALLY

So I guess that's one way of saying she's not a true blonde, right? It's that carpet/drapes thing again. Sneaky.

ALL WE COULD AFFORD WAS GEOFFREY HOLDER

Sure, it may seem excessive to us, but when your country doesn't spend all its money on the military, you can splurge a bit more on the little things. So while the American 7-Up ad campaign in the 70's was pretty much Geoffrey Holder and a bunch of "cola nuts," the Asian market flourished with ads that looked like Rockettes on acid. Here we got seven slinky Asian babes dancing in front of giant phallic 7-Up bottles near a reflecting pool with giant neon product logos and infinite track lighting sapping up an electricity cost that was probably greater than the Gross National Product for Singapore and Malaysia combined. But what the hey, 7-Up's good shit, right? So spare no expense, tiny Far East nation! This is probably the same country that turned down Cirque du Soleil for being too stripped-down.

SHE MAY NOT BE GOOD, BUT SHE'S PLENTY

This album dates from 1968. So now you know how old Paul Weller and that chick from Four Non Blondes really are. Back then they were known as Good and Plenty, with her playing the part of Plenty, which means she musta been really popular back in high school. The music, by the way, is pretty tame folk pop, not nearly as mindblowing as the Electric Company on acid album cover, proving once again that drugs often make you think you're something you're not. Just ask Jim Morrison.

DOUGLAS GOOD AND GINNY PLENTY, THE WORLD OF GOOD AND PLENTY, US Senate LP 1968

SO WHAT CUT OF STEAK GOES BEST WITH A WEAK DOO-WOP TRIBUTE?

Let's be honest here. The cover of Attila's 1970 LP would suck even if a young snappy-mulleted Billy Joel weren't on it. Two guys dressed in outfits that would get 'em kicked out of anything but a Renaissance Faire, standing in the middle of a meat locker? No, no, guys, when I said Attila the Hun was a butcher, I didn't mean that was his job title. But when you finally realize that really IS a young snappy-mulleted pre-"Uptown Girl" Billy Joel standing there in an outfit even Jethro Tull would be embarrassed to wear, well, that just makes this cover HILARIOUS, doesn't it?

Truth is, the clues to Billy's meat-loving tendencies were always there in his later songs, if you knew where to look. Songs like "Hungry Young Man" and "New Pork Steak of Mind" from Turnstiles, "Vienna Sausage" from The Stranger, and of course, the famous line, "There's an old man standing next to meat" from his classic "Piano Man." But as for why he chose to emulate a ferocious and bloodthirsty emperor who devastated much of Asia and East Europe, that's still a mystery. Maybe he felt a connection, or maybe even a reincarnation. After all, if Attila destroyed much of Asia with swords and clubs in the 5th Century, Billy could take out most of Long Island in the 21st Century with just his car.