LOOK WHAT IT DID TO THEIR BODIES

Party-pooping religious nuts, led by "Slammin'" Sammy Hall, pull no punches in letting you damned meddling kids know exactly "what it's all about" when it comes to sin. A spoonful of coke, a syringe of heroin, a dimebag of weed, a handful of pills, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a love of board games - THESE are the very WORST of sins imaginable! And if you should stray from the Lord's path far enough to dabble in any one of these (like, say, getting high before a Stryper concert, or playing Risk after midnight), the four disembodied heads of the Sammy Hall Singers will come swooping down on your ass like Pauly Shore descending on a virgin at the Playboy Mansion. Apparently, most of these sins can be found on a card table floating somewhere between the Earth and the Moon, which might help explain why most of the astronauts we've sent up to space come back singing the praises of the Dave Matthews Band. It's also kinda funny that, despite their prudish still life portrait, they had to censor the Jack Daniels label. That's because the Sammy Hall Singers were from Tennessee, and NOBODY, not even the religious right, disses Jack Daniels in Tennessee. Jack's got his own religion down there.

THE SAMMY HALL SINGERS, WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT LP, 1972

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE WHISTLE AT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

So this is what they mean by "steel guitar"? I like how she remembers to wear safety gloves, but as for the rest of her outfit - well, let's just say it flunks most OSHA requirements. Still, dressed like that, I bet she'd have no problem getting a job building the next Trump casino.

ENOCH LIGHT PRESENTS, "TONY MOTTOLA'S GUITAR FACTORY" LP

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE STUFF THAS HASN'T GROWN ON THEIR BALLS YET

You're kidding me, right? I know you boys all like Kiss, and you've been members of the fucking Kiss Army since 1976, but you can't all be Peter Criss. And I mean, I ain't sayin' Kiss was Satanic or anything, but to an eight-year-old, all that blood pouring out of Gene Simmons' mouth can be a little bit scary. On the other hand, who the hell is this guy gonna scare?

And ignoring for a second the fact that the cover artist completely fucked up this dude's left arm, does anyone else get the feeling that this guy'd rather be singing Judy Garland tunes than old 70's glam pop?

I mean, the ratio of Satanic songs ("Sorcery") to songs of questionable sexual orientation ("Love Me The Way I Am", "Let's Get Funky", "River Queen" and "Goin' Down (the Road)") is an uncomfortable 1:4 ratio there, boys. It's like someone took Kiss, zapped 'em with an Infant-O-Ray, and forced 'em to watch the Food Network for six months. C'mon, kids, that's not what "Lick It Up" was about.

FURR, FURR, 1977 LP

HOTTEST CHICK AT THE PAINTBALL FINALS

So damn sexy, just the sight of her made Tinky Winky and Po explode.

Richie Allen Orchestra, Stranger From Durango

NORMAN BATES GETS LUCKY

It’s important to note that it’s not “Psych-E-delic” music here, it’s “Psych-O-Delic,” with the emphasis on “Psycho.” Which I guess means that this hip young Norman Bates wannabee’s gonna pop in an Electric Prunes 8-track before he stabs this comely young minx with a dull butter knife. “Mother? Oh God, Mother! Blood! Blood! Blood Sweat and Tears!”

Pierre Henry, PsychoDelic Music (Mexico Philips EP)

IS THERE NOTHING MICHAEL PHELPS WON'T DO FOR A BUCK?

We’re pretty sure Lewis Carroll was on acid, or at least absinthe, when he wrote the original ALICE IN WONDERLAND, but what the fuck was the guy who dreamed up THIS thing on? Jesus, even Hanna-Barbera would have trouble coming up with something this messed up. Makes LIDSVILLE look like Cirque du Soleil. Followed one year later by ALICE THROUGH THE LEMONGRASS, a play set entirely in a giant bowl of Thai soup.

Alice in Waterland, Music From the Underwater Revue

HE WAS A TIGER IN BED. NO, REALLY.

Animal cruelty folks might not appreciate this old South American cover, but c’mon, do you REALLY think this little senorita subdued, killed and flattened this tiger with her own bare hands? And if she did, how much did she charge to watch? I get the double entendre because, well, I went to third grade too, but I can’t help thinking – if I can’t donate my body to science after I die, how do I sign up for something like this instead?

Various Artists, Musica Poderosa Volume 4

RING THIS

How could this NOT be great? Shang-a-lang shang-a-lang. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNN. Ram-a-lam-a Rama-lama. UHNNNNGGGGGGGGGG. Shoop shoop. YOU RANG? (Crowd goes wild) Fuck you, John Astin. You don’t see the kids doing The Gomez, do ya?

Ted Cassidy, The Lurch 7" single

AND HE SINGS EVEN LOUDER WHEN YOU TOUCH HIS BAT

When Mr. Bat isn’t singing, he’s bagging groceries at the local Piggly Wiggly and telling all the high school girls how “pure” their hair smells. In his stage act, he’s finally perfected his patented stabbing motion, shown here on the cover of his album. And if you look closer, you can see that Mr. Bat's right hand is actually a cloven hoof, but those who know him won't be surprised. It’s also rumored that if you touch the notes on Mr. Bat’s costume, they will play the corresponding notes on the scale, but when you get to G-Sharp, well, the less said about that, the better.

Mr. Bat and Mrs. L.E. Tweten, Mr. Bat Sings

GREAT, 'CUZ I'VE GOT CHOOD

She's got this speech impediment, see, where all her "w"s come out as "ch" instead. I know, it's a little cheered. But I hear she's child in bed.

Chet Baker with Bobby Jaspar, I Get Chet