I SEE A RAT!

Is it funny, or is it disgusting? Dunno. But I haven’t stopped blowing my fucking nose since last Tuesday.

MEISTERBOOGER BOOGERMEISTER

It’s great when you can kids to dress up in your country’s colors and put on a little patriotic show. Everybody loves kids. It’s not so great, though, when one of ‘em starts picking his nose right in the middle of Hymn to Liberty, and then your proud and patriotic album comes out and there’s that SAME FUCKING KID right there on the cover, immortalized forever. It’s called “quality control,” Greece. Get some.

HOLY DIVER (WITH 1300 HIT POINTS AND A MAGIC SCEPTER)

Ever wonder what Ronnie James Dio was doing before he became Black Sabbath’s resident banshee and purveyor of the mighty heavy metal devil horn hand gesture? Why, he was masquerading as an impish little woodland sprite and hopping around papier mache forests while trying not to get mistaken for the lead singer from Jethro Tull. Wonder why Elf never became heavy metal gods like Rainbow, Black Sabbath and Dio? The same reason bands like Fairy, Water Sprite and Unikkorn (with an umlaut over the “o”) didn’t. Quick, Ronnie, use the boots of escaping!

BILLY THE KIBBITZ

That’s the way…what? We create a phallic symbol where THERE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE ONE??? If happiness is a warm gun, then how come she don’t look none too happy? Should be fuckin' ecstatic, if you ask me. Bonus points for most creative use of a holster. And if you were lucky enough to be trudging through the Jerusalem Sam Goody budget bins back in 1977, you'll notice this album features David Bowie's "Space Oddity" alongside Morris Alpert's puke-classic "Feelings" and a handful of genuine Yiddish folk songs. That's gotta be a first too, right?

BURNIN' RUBBER

Jerry’s a leather-clad accountant who drives the latest high-tech BMW motorbike with more headlights than a school bus, while Lola rides bareback above the front tire. The Department of Highway Safety cited one of them for reckless driving. The other one blew the DMV director. Hey, at least she remembered to wear a helmet. Shown here protecting her brain.