CARPET GRASS MUNCHERS

Hey, no one said living with lesbians would be easy. Especially when they come into your town and start raking lawns and bailing hay and dressing like extras from CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3: MALACHI’S REVENGE. Before you know it, they’ll be settin’ up one of those “farmer’s markets” and then they'll start selling produce and milk and shit to our kids. Why, just the other day, Mabel from up on the hill found an Ani DiFranco CD mixed in with her beefsteak tomatoes. It’s the beginning of the end, I tell ya.

COW PATTY GRIFFIN

Jesus, slaughter me already. Anything so I don’t have to listen to this failed folkie fuck sing another goddamned note. Fuckin’ moo. (That’s the cow talking)

WHO SAID GERMAN GIRLS WERE HARD?

Again, I have to ask. What is it with typesetters always getting in the fucking way? Gimme Brigitte Bardot’s NRA-lovin’ sister, a high powered rifle and a healthy pair of meat balloons and what? Some graphic designer with an oiled-up photo of the Village People in his cubicle’s gotta stand between me and a good time? Gimme a break. A potentially great cover, now gayer than a Lance Bass chat room.

FUNNY, I ALWAYS HAD JOE PERRY PEGGED AS A POST-IMPRESSIONIST

There’ve been numerous variations of the famous “All Is Vanity” skull/mirror optical illusion first drawn by Charles Allen Gilbert back when your Mom was born. The Damned did it, and so did Def Leppard. This is one of the all-time WORST. It’s so bad, you see the skull first and have to try hard to figure out what it’s made out of. Optical illusion my ass. And listen, when Def Leppard do ANYTHING better than you, it’s time to pack it up.

THE ORIGINAL (THANKS, MOM!)

THE DAMNED STOLE IT FIRST (THANKS, BIG BROTHER WHO WAS INTO PUNK MUSIC!)

DEF LEPPARD'S VERSION (THANKS, "METAL" KID WITH THE GREASY MULLET WHO I USED TO BEAT UP FOR LUNCH MONEY IN GRADE SCHOOL!)

AND JUST WAIT'LL YOU SEE THE BACK COVER!

‘Cuz I’m a sucker for butt dimples. The most beautiful cover ever in the history of Life. Seriously.

DONNA SUMMER MEETS GEORGE ORWELL. AND THEY HAD A KID.

I don’t know if you can see it here, but there are three doctors lying on the ground, two with donkey masks on and one wearing a pig face, while an anatomical mannequin lies on a stretcher and a giant pink sperm pushes its way out of the medical lamp, wriggling itself into a big, squishy, cerise, egg-fertilizing “3”. Above it all, of course, is the conquering figure of the mighty Cerrone himself, too tall to even stand up erect under his Mr. Fancy Font name, resplendent in his unbuttoned shirt, Pauly Walnuts gold chain, too-tight-for-reproduction jeans and whatever other bad Charles Nelson Reilly-on-acid fashion trends of the Seventies he can think of. The title of the record is SUPERNATURE. What does it all MEAN, you ask? Who knows? But back in 1977, we summed it up as follows. Disco sucks.