FLOPSY TAKES A FALL ON THE SET OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Look, just put the dog down, Mr. Bixby. And just back away. I know you're upset with Mr. Ferrigno, and we all know how difficult he can be to work with. But just let the dog breathe, okay Bill? Everybody just calm down!

...LIKE RABBITS

Jesus Christ, this one’s even got ME speechless. Am I breaking some kind of law even POSTING this album cover?

NO WONDER HE PLAYED WITH STEPHEN STILLS A LOT

In his forty-plus years in the music industry, Al Kooper has cowritten “This Diamond Ring” by Gary Lewis and the Playboys, joined Blues Project and started Blood Sweat and Tears, and played the organ on Bob Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone,” to name but a few of his many accomplishments. So if he wants to tuck himself in and act like Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, he’s certainly earned the right to do so. But I still don’t wanna fuck him.

CARPET GRASS MUNCHERS

Hey, no one said living with lesbians would be easy. Especially when they come into your town and start raking lawns and bailing hay and dressing like extras from CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3: MALACHI’S REVENGE. Before you know it, they’ll be settin’ up one of those “farmer’s markets” and then they'll start selling produce and milk and shit to our kids. Why, just the other day, Mabel from up on the hill found an Ani DiFranco CD mixed in with her beefsteak tomatoes. It’s the beginning of the end, I tell ya.

COW PATTY GRIFFIN

Jesus, slaughter me already. Anything so I don’t have to listen to this failed folkie fuck sing another goddamned note. Fuckin’ moo. (That’s the cow talking)

WHO SAID GERMAN GIRLS WERE HARD?

Again, I have to ask. What is it with typesetters always getting in the fucking way? Gimme Brigitte Bardot’s NRA-lovin’ sister, a high powered rifle and a healthy pair of meat balloons and what? Some graphic designer with an oiled-up photo of the Village People in his cubicle’s gotta stand between me and a good time? Gimme a break. A potentially great cover, now gayer than a Lance Bass chat room.

FUNNY, I ALWAYS HAD JOE PERRY PEGGED AS A POST-IMPRESSIONIST

There’ve been numerous variations of the famous “All Is Vanity” skull/mirror optical illusion first drawn by Charles Allen Gilbert back when your Mom was born. The Damned did it, and so did Def Leppard. This is one of the all-time WORST. It’s so bad, you see the skull first and have to try hard to figure out what it’s made out of. Optical illusion my ass. And listen, when Def Leppard do ANYTHING better than you, it’s time to pack it up.

THE ORIGINAL (THANKS, MOM!)

THE DAMNED STOLE IT FIRST (THANKS, BIG BROTHER WHO WAS INTO PUNK MUSIC!)

DEF LEPPARD'S VERSION (THANKS, "METAL" KID WITH THE GREASY MULLET WHO I USED TO BEAT UP FOR LUNCH MONEY IN GRADE SCHOOL!)