THE WALRUS WAS FRED

For my next selection, I’m going to play Grieg’s Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16. It’s a lovely piece, and one of Grieg’s only…oh shit, I just crapped my pants. Hogan!

Fred Emney, Fred Emney LP

MAN, I LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE IN THE SUGARCUBES

“Mama’s got a squeezebox she wears on her chest…” Who says there’s nothing good on the Lollapalooza secondary stage? You shoulda heard ‘em rip up “Jane Says.”

Elna Fredhoy and Rigmor Odum, Sjunger Egna Sanger

IF THIS WERE REALLY HELL, THERE'D BE A BALDWIN BROTHER

“Oh, Diablos!” is a crazy new comedy caper from ABC this Fall. Starring Gary Busey as the Devil, Jon Cryer as Charon the Ferryman, and Dashboard Confessional as Hell’s own in-house band (you try listening to ‘em for 3 millennia straight). ABC - We’re puttin’ the “fun” back in Eternal Damnation!

Los Diablos, Oh! Diablos LP

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

Sure, sure, you may think that's one fucking hot ass cover, and you might even make some crack about how all girls look good in that position. Until her head does a 180 and she starts doing that fucked up hermit crab down the staircase thing Linda Blair did in The Exorcist. 'Cuz this little senorita is only one spine crack and a couple wrist dislocations away from spewing green puke on your new Air Yeezies. On a related note, the Porta-Potty wasn't invented until the 1960s, so if you were caught on a beach doing the Limbo in the 1950's and nature called, you'd need a pair of bathing suit trunks baggy enough to handle whatever you had to give 'em. So - is that an expression of ecstasy on her face, or relief?

YOU BETTER RUN, YOU BETTER HIDE, WE GOTTA KEEP YOU OUT OF SIGHT

Ol' Muttonchops McGee here had a pretty boring cover. That is until Sigmund the Sea Monster took a dump on it halfway to the printshop. Too late to start over, and too lazy to clean it off, they ran with it anyway. And hey, isn't "Dick Domane" a gay porn site?

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! AND LON CHANEY TOO!

Great, so now Dracula’s gay and into ballroom dancing? What’s next? One of the X-Men playing Peter Allen on Broadway? What? Oh shit…

BOB BARKER DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT

Sure, I know you think this LOOKS hot and all, but lemme tell ya, she goes through litter like nobody's business. And after the third or fourth time she pisses on your polo shirts, you'll be taking her back to the SPCA faster than you can say "spayed and neutered." Granted, she IS great and catching mice and high school sophomores.

FUN FACT! For all you subliminal advertising buffs, look closely at her spots and you can clearly make out the word "CONOUCONOJO."