TOO BAD SHE'S ON THE RAGGEDY

It's only sexually suggestive if you have wet dreams about Raggedy Ann. In which case, might I suggest there are a few Bratz girls who are far hotter.

SHIVA BABY!!!

Not only did this girl pleasure the entire offensive line of her high school football team, she did 'em all at the same time! And she likes to sit around topless! It's like fucking both Hilton sisters and only having to use one gag! Although I'm not exactly sure that rightmost hand is coming from her shoulder...

THE CHAKACHAS, JUNGLE FEVER, DUTCH 7" PICTURE SLEEVE

SOME POTATOES WITH YOUR MEAT BALLOONS?

Some got it, and some don't. The ones that don't tend to hang out with the ones that do, while the ones that do try to hang on to what they got. That, of course, is the life mantra being pictured on the cover of this amazing German comedy album from the Seventies, "Es Steht Ein Wirtshaus an der Lahn," which roughly translates into "Here, let me carry them for a while." I went to Bavaria for a week back in my late twenties, and not only do I not remember any Bavarian women who looked like this, I don't remember any Bavarian women who looked like women. Someone throw that chick a Pilsner. Or two.

THERE'S NOTHING IN CORINTHIANS ABOUT ACID BLOTTERS

I don't wanna be rude or nothin, but if "Jack" wants to "tell it like it is" about drugs, shouldn't he be "hangin" with those "long-hairs" in the background rather than sitting all by himself with his fancy Farrah Sta-Prest slacks and fancy semi-muttonchops and spray-on tan and shirt collar that's wider than the doorway to Oprah Winfrey's kitchen? Sorry Jack, but you trying to school us on drugs is kinda like learning about respect from Kanye West. Besides, the other group looks like they're having way more fun.

WE EAT, THEREFORE WE HUNT

Well shee-yit, ol' Jethro's lookin' real purdy on the cover of this here fancy rekkid album. Sure is one fancy mullet thar, Jethro. Real fancy like. Can't tell what he's watchin' though - probably either a tractor pull or his sister taking a bath. Something tells me the guy on the cover ain't the guy responsible for the record, though, since "Chicken Coupe De Ville" is actually a pretty decent pun, and the only person stupid enough to look like this and think it's a good look is named Kid Rock. Oh, and by the way, how many of the Sarah Palin supporters in this album's target audience actually figured out the missing letters in the song title "Sc****d & Tattooed"?

ROLL OVER, BEETHOVEN, MY FRIEND BECKY WOULD LIKE TO JOIN US

Don't think for a second that classical musicians didn't get their fair share of wang dang sweet poontang in their day. Just look at Johann Strauss. Who cares if you look like Avery Schreiber? Write "Radetzky March" and the young babes line up like runaways outside Nikki Sixx's dressing room. "They call me Danube," says Strauss to the swooning brunette on the cover. "Now don't you wanna say you Blue Danube?"

THE LEN HUNTER COLLECTION, SWING GENTLY WITH STRAUSS

MY NEXT NUMBER IS A CAROLE KING SONG IT IS

Hey, it's Bigfoot from the Howard Stern Show, back when he was a folkie! Please, for the love of Jesus, just please tell me he's wearing pants.

RED ZEPPELIN

Well now, there's really nothing I can say that could make this record cover any funnier. Fuck, I don't even know what to say. Except that maybe this is what the Houses of the Holy album cover would look like if it were a Takashi Miike film. But shit, that's not even nearly as funny as just looking at the cover one more time. It's Japanese, and I've said it before and I'll say it again, they buy used panties from vending machines over there. 'Nuff said.

FATHER MOO AND THE BLACK SHEEP, 2001 JAPANESE SWORDFISH LABEL

GET YOUR HOT LIPS OFF MY MOBY DICK!

"Djano Bittet Zum Tanz." Roughly translated, means "Loretta Swit tries to pick up John Bonham." Not so unusual when you consider that, during Zep's 1973 American tour, Robert Plant did in fact sleep with Gary Burghoff. But hey, he was banging everything back then.