A LITTLE BOWLEGGED MAYBE, BUT HE STILL WALKS

Buzz is right, ya know, where there walks a logger, there walks a man. Usually a couple steps behind, trying to hand him a pink slip, but still. Me, I’m not sure if I’m more impressed with the fact that Buzz just fell that redwood with his gee-tar, or the fact that he’s trying to pitch you a song called “Unemployment Compensation.” Elsewhere, we hear he’s got a “Used Log Truck” that he fills up with “Loggers Home Brew” which he takes to the “Loggers Annual Party” where he gets drunk and reamed up the ass by “Hoot Owun Again.” Later, he claims he’s “Sick of Settin’ Chokers.” “Chokers” being that mix of semen and fecal matter that gay men gag on following a healthy session of anal sex. There walks a man indeed, Buzz.

ARS KICKERS

This, my friends, is Buffalo. And like the cover says, they are Tars of the Ars. That’s “Ars,” like “Arse.” And how can you NOT be a tar of the arse dressed in your fancy tri-color polyester jumpsuits with vests that don’t fit properly and leg cuts that look like twin vaginas? It even helps if one of your bandmembers is missing teeth, and lookee there, we hit paydirt with Buffalo! If this is where Buffalo hangs out, then surely this must be the coolest Brauhaus in Akron, I shit you not. Encore: “Hey, Won’t You Play Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song.” Always makes the fat ones cry.

I'M SORRY, PRINCESS, YOU REALLY SHOULD REMOVE YOUR BRACES FIRST

An unrefined man in this position would say something like “Hey baby, while you’re down there…” This gentleman, on the other hand, is the very epitome of refinement. He opens with “Please, honey, do not slobber on the silk.”

IS THAT A PISTOL OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE...OH, IT'S NOT A PISTOL

Something tells me ol’ “Bob Joe” there ain’t exactly a cowboy, if’n ya know what I mean. And something tells me he might not even be packing a third pistol, if’n ya know what I mean. By that I mean cock. Man, do I always have to spell it out for you? Just remember, Bob Joe, there was a cowboy in the Village People too.

BILLY THE THALIDOMIDE KID

In 1854, he lost his first gunfight. Two weeks later, he lost his second. By 1855, he was raising horses with his sister. Some fuckin’ outlaw.

ONCE A MONTH, IT BLEEDS RED WHITE AND BLUE

– Well now, ya can’t have camel toe if ya can’t even see the CAMEL, can ya? This Black Crowes CD cover was actually BANNED by Wal-Mart. Which is ironic because, in July and August, you can see this very thing just by walking down the Cosmetics aisle.